Young and, Oh… So In Love

The connection of a lifetime that lasts a blink of an eye. Sparks fly and the chemistry is still to this day something that nobody has ever matched. That ONE love… For me, it was in my early 20s when I thought I had the world figured out. I was oh so worldly and knew exactly what I was doing. I was fearless and never thought twice about a step I made. I was ALIVE.

July 15, 2014:

I just recently got back from Europe... well, most of me did. I forgot to take my heart back to America. You may think of this statement as a cliche, tacky awe moment, but you are very mistaken. It is the worst feeling ever fathomed. I BELONG there. I have never felt more happy in my life, but I am so entangled in debt from my early twenties that I can not do anything about it. I cry at some point of everyday because I long for the love that I found and the emotional happiness I experienced for what felt like less than a breath of my life... That's the only thing I want back. I have to have it. 

So as I listen to Stone Mountain by St. Beauty, I am typing out this memoir from my iPhone Notes and reminiscing on all of the pain and passion that I felt almost a decade ago. The gush of despair and pit in my stomach relived vicariously through this excerpt of my youth, and all I can think is where did this girl go? I would kill to feel this way again. Do we lose this passion as we get older… or did I just go numb?

Can you recall a moment in your life where you had this wild passion and longing for a life not yet tangible to you. I always think back to the old movie with Gwyneth Paltrow, Sliding Doors, where one choice (whether she gets on the Metro or not) changes her whole entire life. The movie shows the audience both outcomes and without spoiling the movie, one of them is extremely less desirable than the other. So… what would have happened if I wasn’t in so much debt? If I had already learned how to responsibly use a credit card. Would I be in Europe right now living the culturally open to the world, carefree lifestyle? Would I have babies with the German lover and be happily ever after?

How I met the German lover is for the next journal sesh ;)